Resilient vs. Malleable
From “What Happened To You?” By Dr. Bruce Perry
Resilient vs Malleable
“Children are not born ‘resilient’, they are born ‘malleable’.”
Dr. Perry: “If you take a Nerf ball and squeeze it, bend it, apply all kinds of force to it, it will, in the end, return to its original ball-like shape. That Nerf ball is RESILIENT. This is the kind of resilience people are talking about when they talk about children being resilient in the wake of trauma. They’re indulging in the wishful thinking that a child could experience a traumatic stress and somehow, magically, be unaffected. As though the child would be able to return to their prior level of emotional, physical, socially and cognitive health, unchanged. That is simply not how it works. We are always changing. We change from all of our experiences, good and bad. This is because our brain is changeable - MALLEABLE. It’s always changing.
Think of a metal coat hanger. Let’s say you need to fish something out of a drain, and the hanger is your best tool. You apply force bend it into the shape you want. The hanger is malleable. When the job is done, you can try to bend it back to its original shape, but even if you’re a champion hanger-bender, you won’t get it to exactly what it was. And there will weaknesses in the places where you bent it. And if you were to keep bending and restoring it in the same places, the hanger would ultimately break.
It is true that both adults and children can “demonstrate resilience,” in the face of a challenge or even trauma. You can demonstrate reliance and you can build resilience. But it’s not resilience in the Nerf-ball sense. And it’s not an automatic property of childhood. The capacity to get back to baseline after a trauma is influenced by many factors, primarily your connectedness”
My thoughts…
The word “resilient” gets thrown around a lot… “it’s a good thing children are so resilient. They’ll get over it and forget about it in time.” “I admire how strong and resilient you are!” As Dr. Perry points out, this is simply not true. No matter what age you are, no one emerges from trauma unscathed. It is impossible to go back to being “the same”. At a cellular level, the trauma remains even once a child or adult returns to “baseline”. To get to baseline and a feeling of stability - malleability - requires connection and empathy, understanding and TIME.
As a society, we are quick to jump on board with sympathy, action, thoughts and prayers, casseroles, teddy bears, and memorials. It’s wonderful and altruistic at the time and it makes US feel better. Once the flames are out, we tend to shy away from the person/persons involved. It’s too uncomfortable, it’s too sad. We move on. After all, “He’s fine now, he’s RESILIENT.”
Connection in terms of healing means to stay the course. Understand and empathize that this person has changed and it will be a lifetime of evolution and emotional rollercoaster rides for them. It will forever influence their minds and bodies. But through connection to and empathy from a patient, loving and supportive community, one CAN heal and return to a baseline of new normalcy. Beautiful things can and will emerge when a person is truly heard and understood!